An Ode To Bad HP Fiction
by Namyda
Summary: A certain ex professor's reaction to fanfiction. Pointless but amusing. I should stop drinking. OMFG! Thanks to the mild interest in this I UPDATED!
1. OOC

I hereby dedicate this little piece of fiction to Sarah, AKA Sarafu the Great.

/Ode to Fan Fiction/

You wake up in the morning and get out of bed

And click on a link in a long forum thread

You surf through the bowels of fan fiction dot net

Deleting expletives that rise in your head

You see a young fangirl slash you with Arthur

Should you Crucio her? Or Avada Kedavra?

Oh, what in the world can a Death Eater do?

Oh, Merlin on acid, now you're pregnant, too!

You click on another one and scratch your hiney

Wondering why you're in love with Hermione.

Apparently Harry is your long lost son

In an alternate future where Voldemort won.

Another girl claims that you fancied Lily.

Oh dear. Can't they see how that notion is silly?

They vindicate you though you're guilty as sin

That just proves that fangirls were born in a bin!

You meet an off character self in due time

Surprised that all he does is bitch,moan and whine.

Apparently you're a nice guy deep inside

And under your bed fluffy white slippers hide.

The descriptors they use are nothing but hideous

When did your eyes turn from black to obsidian?

Instead of a big nose you have Fawkes' beak

And even the walls seem to melt when you speak.

Oh, when will it stop? Will this madness end?

They tell you that Bella is your ex girlfriend.

The last fic you read just ties up all your woes:

It's called "The Sexual Uses of a Huge Roman Nose".


	2. Loyalties

Due to the amount of reviews I got, I decided to continue with this happy humor. This piece is still dedicated to Sarah, AKA Sarafu the Great. It's an anniversary present, yay!

/On the Justifications of Dumbledore's Murder/

I went to a meeting with Death Eater Snape.

We went there to pillage, murder and rape.

I remembered the days when we couldn't get busted

'Cause he was the cool spy who Dumbledore trusted.

Those days have ended, old Dumbles is dead

And the Aurors are screaming "off with his head!"

The fangirling wenches filled my head with crap

So I asked a short question that made Snapey snap:

"Did Dumbledore order you to do the killing?

Were you really cold blooded, anxious and willing?"

He looked at me carefully, death glare intact,

And stopped my inquiries with a cold hard fact:

"Oh yes, I was willing. I'd waited for years

To snuff the old bastard who Voldemort feared.

He wasn't a nice guy, so it's all the same -

What he did would make lesser men cry in shame.

He was as biased as the Dark Lord himself!

The time came for his portrait to stand on a shelf.

Would you rather have Death Eaters ransack the school?

Is Fenrir ripping the children up cool?

I would have dropped dead and Alecto killed Dumbles,

Hogwarts would be a huge pile of rubble!

I don't really care if he wanted to die,

All I have left to say is this: fry, bastard, fry!"

Now I knew why he killed the self righteous old coot

But I had to ask a few more question to boot:

"So mate, are you loyal to Voldemort now?

And do you like Narcissa? (that arse-featured sow!)"

"What are you, stupid?" - Said Snape to my face -

"Voldemort's on my big hit list of hate!

He's a right wanker and he knows it, too.

He's crazy, deluded, and pointlessly cruel.

He uses his people like disposable goods

And the strongest get crushed by his volatile moods.

The Death Eaters act like a juvenile gang,

Wormtail and Bella need to die with a bang.

All Moldy Shorts wants is for people to fear him:

No mission, no vision, just pointless blood spilling.

If not for the prophecy I'd bump him myself,

But if Potter fails I'll have plenty time left.

I really don't see why it's so unconceivable:

I may be I prick, but since when am I evil?

As for Narcissa, that's none of your business!

And now go to hell, before I hex you to smidgeons!"

So now I shall tell you, just to be civil:

Don't be a victim of fanfiction drivel!

You don't have to justify justified things,

And despair is the only thing cult worship brings!

_I hope you enjoyed reading it as much as I enjoyed writing it. I plan to continue this fic for several more chapters, by the way. While you're here, here's another little bit of relevant humor:_

_Things we learn from Snape's allegiance to evil:_

_1.Be careful to trust anyone, they are probably out to get you._

_2.Never trust someone with your life, you're gonna die._

_3.Grouchy people with abrasive humor are most likely evil._

_4.Judge a book by its cover. _

_5.Anyone with more moral complexity than a squirrel is a traitor._

_6.Ugly people are probably also members of the Gestapo._

_7.A criminal never ever rehabilitates._

_8.Wise people don't just make mistakes. They're bloody idiots!_

_9.If you're not sure whose side they're on, shoot them in the face._


End file.
